The Snee:The Sometimes, Never, Eventually Express

POPE AND CIRCUMSTANCE! Phoneliness Motivates Papal Conclave to Quick Decision!!

Cardinals enter Conclave clutching their laptops disguised as old-fashioned brief cases.

Reporters at THE SNEE just got wind of a breaking news story!

YES...THE SNEE was in the Sistine Chapel serenading the poor isolated Chaps while they voted for the next Pope using ballots.  All digital and telecommunication signals were jammed so that the Cardinals couldn't access social media during the top secret deliberations. A clever idea if the Vatican still wants to communicate using smoke signals in this day and age.

Historically, the Cardinals were tucked away with lack of food and drink in order to motivate them to make a decision. Apparently, THE SNEE's singing combined with internet deprivation is a much stronger incentive than limited nourishment. In less than 72 hours white smoke rising from the chimney revealed that one hundred and fifteen Cardinals had successfully elected a new Pope!  Congratulations to Pope Francis from Argentina!

Click the link below to hear THE SNEE's papal serenade. Hmmm....Maybe Cardinals should Tweet and THE SNEE should stick to writing.

 

 Listen to " Without Our Phones, Conclaving" and make it a ring tone!

WITHOUT OUR PHONES CONCLAVING (to the tune, "Alone Again Naturally" by Gilbert O'Sullivan)

Cardinals one fifteen

In the lovely Chapel Sistine

Where we pray to him, we'll say to him

Choose a Pope who likes flat screens.

But we're feeling all alone

No access to our phones

In an effort to make clear to us

That we use pen and paper

To vote for the pope and the smoke

We make from ballots

It might be white, it might be black

I wish we'd use the Chimney ap

We wish we could go home

To cuddle with our phones

Stuck in the Vatican, Conclaving

 

It seems to me that Uncle Google's

Wishing we were back on-line

To ask him, important questions

Like who should we, Elect to be....

 

The next Pope in the line

Will we choose someone with spine?

A man who twitters, and isn't too bitter

Who knows the internet is divine

We're all so very old

Dear Yahoo. save our souls

I ain't going to lie, I wish I'd die

I'm tired of debating

About who will be Pope

I can't cope without my iPad

I'm truly, awfully filled with dread

All I see are robes of red

So I really want to pray

Please tell me yesterday

Who will we throne?

I want my phone!

Stuck in the Vatican, Conclaving.

DISCLAIMER: THE SNEE is a Satire News Site and has virtually no experience with recordings and internet interfaces. 

PROCLAIMER: This post is evidence that I am now a Typepad blogging buffoon! Thank you to this photoblogger for the above photo  and to Google for the montage which I then butchered with thought bubbles.

And here's the real deal! ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY by Gilbert O'Sullivan

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP COMPUTER MODEL EXTRA CURVY!

  Weather never looked so sexy. Meteorologists across the world are so excited by computer stimulation models that they can't stop staring at them."Computer Models have curves and bust out of the flat-screen monitors whenever they anticipate a storm," explained, Jim Cantore, The Weather Channel's well-known and intrepid reporter. "Really, nothing is more of a turn-on than a computer model, especially the infrareds. First, I just can't stop looking at them lustfully, then suddenly my body temperature becomes destabilized. I'm hot, I'm cold, I have so many different sensations as my blood pressure goes up and down. Once a computer model is on my radar, I just can't get it out of my system."

Cantore surrounded by top models

Which is what The Weather Channel  is counting on. Meteorologists now want to share these models with the world. "We have compiled a datebase for all those folks who want to get close-up and personal with the gorgeous and diverse computer models out there," announced Cantore.

Meteorologists forecast that the public is going to love America's next top computer model, "It's exciting because you never know for sure what to expect with a top model. If atmospheric conditions are right, you can really have a great time, but computer models aren't always  predictable. You never know which way the wind is blowing and sometimes you can get the big chill. In other words, have some fun, but be cautious.There is always a chance that a top computer model's mood might change with the weather."

 

DISCLAIMER: The Sometimes, Never, Eventually, Express THE SNEE is a satire humor news site. I guarantee that this post is not accurate.

PROCLAIMER: Are you into weather porn? Check out this article in the New York Times on computer fornicating forecasting models.

Thank you Weather Channel for all these lusty images.

 

CLAIMER: Thank you to all of you who patiently wait for me to post. I do continue to plan covering breaking satire news stories as they hit me. I am grateful that you still swing by for a read.

 

POST ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION RAMPANT!

Do you watch the news waiting for the media to actually deliver a story, or do you just feel frustrated and dissatisfied afterwards?  Maybe mainstream media doesn't know what to do with itself after the presidential election? They have strategies for capturing our attention with a sexy headline, but no clue how to get us, the viewers, off.  Post electile dysfunction is plaguing the media!  Flashy breaking news stories on the fiscal cliff of doom, state secession, the CIA affairs and it's ties to Benghazi change sizzle to fizzle in no time at all. So MSNBC, FOX, CNN....I know you'd like me to tune in so that you can turn me on, but not tonight dear. I have a headache.

 

BREAKING HEADLINE SNEEWS SNOOZE!

 

MENAGE A TROIS BRINGS BODIES OF GOVERNMENT TOGETHER!

 

             "Shall we take a look at his proposed package?"

 

Glaxo-Smith Kline Releases Experimental Drug called SEE-ALL-IS to Treat Electile Dysfunction! Pfizer admits that their drug, LIEAGRA, clouds the thinking of reporters.

CIA Announces New 'Flirt and Fuck" Strategy for Penetrating Inner Circles! 

Disgruntled White Males File to Withdraw Early from the United States! "The Next Coming is predicted to occur this year! We don't want to impregnate our nation with anymore free handouts!"

Gaza Striptease Fuels Fear of Middle East Going Bottoms-Up!

 

DISCLAIMER: The Sometimes, Never, Eventual, Express aka THE SNEE is a satire news/humor blog. The breaking news headlines are quite fictional.

EXCLAIMER: THE SNEE really does have a headache!

 

THANK YOU!   Cartoon above a composite of altered digital images taken from GOOGLE.
 

ROMNEY ANNOUNCES NEW "PAY TO PEE" ECONOMIC STIMULUS PACKAGE!

 
While former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney was engaged in an election debate with President Barack Obama, Ann Romney was busily scoping out the fashion week runways in Paris to look for the perfect gown to wear to the inaugural ball. Unfortunately, on her way to the fashion show, Ann found herself doing kegels in order to keep her pressured bladder in check. "I was dying," she said. " I really tried to hold it, but I couldn't."  Desperate not to use one of those Turkish Toilet holes, Ann ran into McDonalds. She briskly ordered a diet coke, grabbed her receipt and went to stand in line at the McDonald's Toilette.  She showed her receipt and gained entry to the bathroom. Much relieved, she returned to her limo. It was then that she had an epiphany.

She called Mitt on the phone to tell him about her toilette experience. “Mitt I had to buy something to use the toilet! It dawned on me that with all the aging bladders, McDonalds is making a mint. At the idea of a mint, Mitt’s interest was piqued.

His business instincts clicked in as he realized that there was an untapped market out there. No need to tax his wealthy friends. As long as women urgently needed to relieve their pressured bladders, commerce would thrive and jobs could be created.

Referring to one of his infamous binders, Mitt took the principles of Trickle Down Economics and applied it to his new business model for stimulating job growth world wide. "I call it Tinkle-Down Economics," he said proudly to a journalist from the Economist.

 “My Pay to Pee business model will stimulate job growth in bathroom equipment and the toilet paper industry. I predict that toilet production will double in one year after instituting this plan. Local gas stations and fast food restaurants will also see a boost in sales as women who need bathrooms buy chewing gum, chips, candy bars, and bottled beverages. More sales mean that more money is being infused into the economy!” Mitt Romney triumphantly told a crowd of supporters who chanted in unison, “pay to pee, pay to pee!”

President Obama promptly responded to Mitt Romney's new job stimulation program. “Mr. Romney’s tinkle down economic plan is exploitive to women who have a right to free pee.  Mandating that women buy something just because they have to urinate is not optimal and is beyond disrespectful. It's interesting to me that Governor Romney says he respects women but he doesn't even want to give them a pot to piss in!

google images

 

HEADLINE NEWS!

Urinary Tract Infections(UTI) and Bladder Infections Steeply Rise in Female Population as Women try to Hold their Bladders! 

Ocean Spray Donates Cranberry Juice to Planned Parenthood to Help Women Suffering from UTIs!

Dehydrated Women Swarm Emergency Rooms as Women Curtail Water Consumption to Limit Pee Stops!

Health Insurance Companies Refuse to cover Kegel exercises and Bladder Suspensions!

Sunoco, Exxon, BP and Irving, Gas and Oil Companies, Endorse Mitt Romney's Pay to Pee Plan!

The Wall Street Journal Condemns Tinkle Down Economics! "Romney's Pay to Pee Plan Guarantees that our Economy will be stuck in the shitter".

Susan Komen Breast Cancer Fund Unveils Pretty Pink Outhouses for Women to Use on Road Trips!

DISCLAIMER: The Sometimes, Never, Eventual Express is a Satire News Site. All news items are completely fictional.

PROCLAIMER: Do you pay to pee? I do. Hmmm.....