Sustainable smokehouse for healthful midwinter snack options!
The desire to cure turkey into jerky sprung from within her bosom after her loving family politely declined to ingest anymore turkey leftovers. Igaina, who was rightfully bored by the idea of soup, decided to open up her brand new sustainability cookbook to find step by step directions on how to properly prepare and store turkey pieces to transform them into healthful, high protein, preservative-free jerky snacks in lieu of pretzel sticks dipped into Kraft Squeeze Cheese, for between meal sustenance, during the long, frigid, dark winters that characterize New England.
Cured plate of meat cures cravings!
Grabbing a plateful of dehydrated wrinkly meat, Igaina returned to her house. Once inside her home, Igaina logged onto facebook for the first time in order to ascertain the exact nature of this online, social networking phenomenon. Igaina, a shy and private person hesitantly loaded her sparse profile page onto facebook and….to her absolute and utter dismay discovered that her silhouette, a white male figure, was in fact not recognizable as her!
New facebook Silhouette looks nothing like Igaina!
The second, and perhaps more significant finding was that her friends who had been on facebook longer than a month, not only had matching white-male silhouettes, but also displayed significant amounts of wear and tear along the edges!
Oh dear! facebook silhouette after just 1 month of use!
Gasping, and choking since her jerky was not well prepared and extremely chewy, Igaina called STAR (Shadow Tears and Repairs) director and lead seamstress, Ms. Windy Deerling, who just last week with the help of Peter Pan, mended groundhog Punxsutawny Phil’s shadow, that had after 120 years of usage become tattered, ripped and separated from the prognosticating marmot’s body.
Following the successful restoration of the Groundhog's shadow, Windy and Peter were appointed by PETA (People Entranced by Tons of Animals) as Directors of the shadow watch group, STAR. In just one week's time, STAR has become one of the busiest nonprofits in the world. Their mission... to make people aware of this potentially devastating shadow condition that often coincides with normal aging.
DISNEY ARCHIVES RELEASES PHOTO DISPLAYING ARCHAIC METHOD FOR SHADOW REATTACHMENT: Oh my! Can you even imagine doing this? Peter Pan frantically uses a bar of soap to reattach his finicky shadow. Thankfully, Windy's ancestor Wendy Darling improvised and perfected the hand sewing technique still used today to fix aging shadows.
Windy, a silhouette collector is familiar with the design and production of silhouettes, an art form inspired by the shadow: a filled outline of an object or body which is projected onto a surface with directional variation that is dependent upon the projected light source.
Fortunately for facebook, Windy recognized the dire need for an intervention and, contacted Facebook's Profiler, Earnest Headshooter, to inform him that aging facebook profile silhouettes were in grave danger of collapsing if something were not done to emergently remedy the situation. Headshooter, an expert uploader, surveyed the horrifying deterioration of the aging silhouettes and immediately hired Ms. Deerling and Peter Pan’s Lost Boys to repair the damaged, generic projections, before word leaked out that facebook offered faulty silhouettes with limited lifetime warrantees.
The savvy seamstress and her tailors got out their hand tools (9 inch doll needles, thimbles, and specialized computer thread in baby blue and white) to quickly mend profile silhouettes with tattered edges. In no time, silhouettes were restored to their former impeccable bland, gender biased state.
Transformation! WOW! The white male persona gets his edge back.
Rumor has it that facebook’s board of directors is currently reviewing their policies and has contacted the silhouette designers in China who are responsible for defective manufacturing techniques. In a formal statement, Headshooter defended facebook by claiming that the silhouette was originally conceived as a short term fix for facebook newbies who didn't have time to upload a photo. "Silhouettes are designed solely as a temporary stop gap measure! They were never intended for usage beyond one month! Now silhouettes that are over 4 weeks old are really beginning to show their ages. "Like this one here", he pointed out. "It's becoming completely unraveled!
Ouch! Even silhouettes can bleed!
BREAKING NEWS!
Silhouettes file a defamation suit! "We are not shadows! We are outlines"!
Facebook declares February FACE-OFF month!
PROCLAIMER: Aging Shadows are extremely vulnerable! Excessive sunlight can cause premature aging!
