A good-natured Mom sporting a Chanel CC Red tote with hand-brushed floral details; retail $420.00 was unexpectedly toppled by a large Holstein that was being milked. The cow, who was wearing a 1920’s retro iron cow bell with a slight resonant clang, hollered an agonizing “MOOO” as the bell hanging from her neck suddenly rose up like magic and flew towards the woman’s purse strap where it literally stuck like crazy glue to her shoulder. The bewildered cow tugged by the bell stumbled over her milk bucket causing the fresh milk to spread across the barn floor. The woman whose footwear was wanting, along with her purse toppled over. The cow then tripped and fell onto the poor woman crushing her to the resonant “final Clang of the bell”. Through the chaos and screams of the school children, adults marveled that the Chanel purse never moved from her shoulder. “It’s a miracle!” said one mom. “My purse never stays put. In fact, I recently had to replace a dozen wine glasses at Macy’s when my purse fell from my shoulder shattering the glass all over the store floor”.
A preliminary investigation of the bell’s unusual behavior revealed that the woman, Maggie Storrs recently had a magnetic implant placed into her right shoulder in order to secure her purse which was frequently falling off. Wilma Rogers, a neighbor described the following scenario. "I think that it was the ribbon cutting ceremony that finally pushed her. It was just so embarrassing!" Maggie who serves on the neighborhood squadron committee was at a ribbon cutting ceremony three weeks ago to celebrate the installation of her wrought iron Smith and Hawkin's garden gate. Wilma continued, "Her purse literally slipped off her shoulder and sliced the celebratory ribbon before she even had a chance to cut it with her brand new finely honed pair of scissors!" Now neighbors are whispering that if she had proceeded with more caution, the current tragedy could have been avoided.
Magnetic Implants for purse immobilization was conceived by brilliant surgeon and inventor, Dr. Franco Magnono. Following reports of women driving off of roads onto slippery shoulders, as well as his own personal experiences, Magnono realized that women needed a permanent solution to this dangerous and costly problem. His final inspiration came from his wife who inadvertently broke two expensive cologne bottles of Lollita Lempicka at Saks Fifth Avenue when her purse slid from her shoulder onto the counter. “Her purse was costing me more than she was spending!” Magnono exclaimed.
His prototype, a small round magnet no more than 1mm in diameter, but with the strength of the Hadron Collider was placed into the upper section of a soft tissue capsule surrounding the glenohumeral joint commonly called-the ball and socket of the shoulder. The purse strap was then fashioned with an opposite pole wrap magnet which created unbreakable contact and stability between the purse and the shoulder. No more slippery shoulders at last! Magnono explains,"The applications of magnetic theory are infinite. We're already working on implants for men who want to swim with their wallets!" In the meantime, federal statistics for female involved accidents are way down. That's right! There are fewer broken glasses, less embarrassing moments and fewer women sliding onto slippery roadway shoulders to rescue their mischievous purses.
But now consumers are calling foul! Law firms are gathering affidavits to begin a class action suit against the company that invented the magnet which secures purses to shoulders. The company spokesman for No Slippery Shoulders Inc( NSSI) announced that No More Slippery Shoulders’ magnetic implants are safe and do not pose a hazard to the public unless individuals choose to leave home.
One woman complained to SNEE reporters that the magnetic implants do not work during winter when she covers her shoulders with a high quality goose down jacket. Her chiropractor is currently treating her for a kink in her neck that she developed from hunching over to keep her purse from slipping during winter cold snaps. “The implant doesn't help with my spinal alignment and it certainly wasn’t advertised as seasonal! That’s just downright product misrepresentation!” She accused. Dr. Magnono and the makers of No More Slippery Shoulders declined to respond.
Maggie Storrs is now recovering. She says, her accident was fortunately not fatal and she still has all of her credit cards in her wallet. “Thanks to No More Slippery Shoulders, I only lost consciousness, not my purse!”
DAIRY FARMERS REPLACE METAL COW BELLS WITH SILICON BELLS!
MAGNETIC IMPLANTS WREAK HAVOC WITH EARTH'S ROTATION!
NEW MATCHMAKING SERVICE! Pairs Women's Purses to Men's Wallets!
DISCLAIMER: THE SNEE is Satire News. All stories are preposterous! Any resemblance to real events or people is truly coincidental.
PROCLAIMER: IT'S THE SNEE'S FIRST BIRTHDAY! This is where it all began. Meet Maggie, Dr. Magnono and the rest of the Storr's clan. Once you go to the Storrs, you might never stop buying what The Snee is selling. Huh?
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