Do they act and do the same things everyday even if the weather changes?
What about your opposable thumbs? Are they overrated? At a party, do you wish, they would stop twirling in a circle? Pinky fingers move like they have a mind of their own when you are playing music, cooking, or dancing? And how is your hand hygiene? Do you spend tons of your hard-earned money on expensive manicures that make you somewhat heady from the toxic nail polish fumes, and then chip the next day? And last, but hardly least, is your animal envy out of control? Do you find yourself wistfully staring at your dog, cat, or goldfish that can live tool free?
Well say goodbye forever to hand ennui; a daunting problem that plagues all humans regardless of their gender, race or socioeconomic situation! The makers of No More Slippery Shoulders have taken their patented magnetic implant technology to develop a brand new product line that promises to liberate people from dependency on their hands. That's right, you read it here first!
Now, you can remove your hands and insert our magnetized SNAP-ONS whenever you need a pick me up, or a solution to a problem that ordinary human hands can't manage without a tool.
SNAP-ON Designs Include:
Do you want or need to climb a tree, but are tired of renting a cherry picker, or breaking a nail while struggling to reach a branch? Try out our Squirrel Feet. Their lightness will blow your mind, and it's so much fun to shimmy up and down trunks without a ladder. People might say you're nuts, but you'll know that you only crave them.
Sick of getting painful, red blisters from gripping a shovel for hours while you try to dig a sizable hole to plant a brand new tree? Snap on our patented Dog Paws! Your hole will be dug in minutes, and you'll have fun panting about the bone you unexpectedly want to bury while you do it.
And last, but not least, are you tired of dealing with expensive whole organic chickens that you bought at the market and need to be cut and cleaned? Our Turkey Vulture Talons are sharp and disconcertingly quick. Just one swipe, and your chicken will be eviscerated and ready for eating. Your guests will marvel at your prowess in the kitchen.
But that's not all! If you call today, we will throw in our woodpecker beak for free! It's great for drilling holes when you have a ton of shelving to hang, or favorite pictures to display. That's right! Drill holes anywhere you want and grab some insects for a free protein snack that will boost your energy for the day. All you need to do, is remove your nose.
The procedure is unbelievably simple, quick and painless free! Crackerjack surgeon, Dr. Franco Magnono purchased a pair of finely honed giant shears from the18th century. Then, he hired certified butchers trained in clean cuts to sever the tendons that connect the hand bone to the wrist bone. Dr. Magnono, then inserts a powerful magnetic button exclusively designed to pair with the magnetic Snap-On of your choice into the wrist. Once, the technicians have figured out how to stop the blood flow, you are free to go home with your snap-on devices.
Complications: Uncontrollable gushing from surgical site, animalistic tendencies and unusual food cravings.
Beneficial Side-Effects: You can use your removable parts for other things.
DISCLAIMER: Sneevertisements are strictly fictional inventions of a mind preoccupied with clutter and leakage due to excessive relocations. Snap-ons cannot be purchased without a note from your doctor.
PROCLAIMER: If you are bored with your hands, put on a pair of white, elbow length gloves. You'll feel very pretty. Or, if white gloves aren't your thing, just rip stuff apart with your bare hands. That feels good too. Thank you to Google Images for photos.
EXCLAIMER: I'm moving again and I wish I had more than two hands. This re-release of a past SNEE is definite evidence that I've got nothing new to post, but rather have gone postal.
HAVE A GREAT HANDS-ON WEEK!