The Snee:The Sometimes, Never, Eventually Express

OUTDOOR GRILL BURIED ALIVE! CLASS-ACTION LAWSUIT PUTS HOMEOWNERS ON ICE!

Snow-covered patio furniture took their complaints to the New Hampshire State Supreme Court after being buried for weeks under excessive snow banks. Patio Furniture Reps report that New England's extreme subarctic temperatures and record-breaking snow accumulations have hit backyard grills, chairs and tables particularly hard this winter. "I haven't been able to move for over a month now. My legs are frost-bitten, and my top is beginning to crack from all the extra weight I'm carrying," complained a cute, contemporary, 14 inch, glass-topped table from Rye, NH, a shore town hit particularly hard by three sequential monster snowstorms.. "The lack of mobility caused by excessive snow has caused an unprecedented weight gain of over 40 pounds. I've never been this heavy!" exclaimed the disabled table known for her slender Queen-Anne legs.

Carpen Terant, a furniture builder in Wolfeboro, NH, concurs that extra winter weight gain often leads to serious orthopedic health problems for outdoor furniture. "Leg and arm fractures, as well as joint subluxations, are the most common injury at this time of year which are costly to repair. Plastic surgery can't even fix resin chairs that have been structurally compromised!" 

But, orthopedic issues aren't the only dangers faced by these brave outdoor tables and chairs. A powerful rooftop snow avalanche crushed an arts and crafts bench which was inadvertently overwintering beneath the eaves. A backyard Weber propane grill endured painful gas retention issues when its tank was buried following roof shoveling. "I am still having a hard time getting the gas to flow, and my owners are discussing replacing me. I had no choice but to join this class action suit!" proclaimed the grill.  Even more violent, was the story of a young Adirondack chair that got a nasty painful, surprise when a giant icicle dropped from 50 feet puncturing its arm.  Carpen Terant has been working feverishly with wood filler to repair the gaping unflattering hole. "No question that there will be a scar", Terant acknowledged with obvious frustration. "Disfiguring scars can do a real number on the self-esteem."

Not all home insurance policies cover repair or replacement costs. Soldering, welding or wooden leg replacement are expensive and leave homeowners without outdoor seating, and disabled furniture with no where to go. It is not uncommon for these discarded, impaired items to end up in junkyards which are already inundated by maimed unwanted furniture. Programs to rehabilitate and recycle patio dining sets are underway, but have been unsuccessful due to fundraising hurdles.

The plaintiff’s lawyers hope, at the very least to raise awareness, and at the most, to win the case for their damaged, disenfranchised clients.  Outspoken, lead attorney, Cherry Wood declared, "Outdoor furniture is entitled to the same treatment as their indoor relatives. Heck, if we win this, I have plans to purchase a hand-crafted, teak furniture set, an outdoor kitchen, and a fire-pit with a stone surround,"  A splinted picnic table elbowed Attorney Wood and said, "Please don't forget to include the gazebo."

DISCLAIMER: THE SNEE is a SATIRE NEWS SITE. Grills, couches and chairs are currently not, I repeat, are NOT suing anyone.

PROCLAIMER:  Snow days bring SNEE days.

WINNIE THE POOH FOUND UNCONSCIOUS! Scotland Yard Investigates!

 Oh Bother! Pooh is nearly unrecognizable in this shape.

Scotland Yard Inspector, Christopher Robin, stepped forward yesterday in front of the microphones to discuss the details of an ongoing investigation into the mysterious collapse of Winnie The Pooh who was found unconscious in his subterranean den.

THE SNEE  is experiencing side-effects from medications.  Is that Pooh at the press conference?

Inspector Robin announced, "Mr. Pooh Bear was discovered yesterday morning passed out on the floor of his home, surrounded by a pile of multicolored pills. He is in a deep coma and his condition is critical. Our investigators are currently interviewing residents of the Hundred Acre Wood to determine the events leading to Pooh Bear's collapse."

What investigators uncovered in the Hundred Acre Wood shocked them. Several of the residents were severely intoxicated, and in poor condition. Large amounts of legal substances were found in their blood. The source of these medications were traced to the old tree inhabited by Dr. Wise Owl, a trusted advisor to the residents of The Wood as it is colloquially known.

Investigators use old-fashioned cartography to locate Owl's tree.

With warrants in hand,investigators confiscated stock piles of federally controlled substances including psychotropic medications, amphetamines, sedatives, and pain relievers, from Dr. Wise Owl's tree. Owl, a long time glaucoma sufferer, said that ten years ago he was approached by pharmaceutical cronies crows about the possibility of receiving some free samples of Prozac, Oxycontin, Lunesta, Wellbutrin, and Ambien, just to

name a few. "I wish I hadn't been seduced by the ease of pill dispensing," Owl testified, "The crows told me that these medications would relieve my clients of the symptoms better than my orated wisdom. I thought that I was doing what was medically best! I really miss my relationship with Pooh and his friends," confessed a blindsided Owl.

 
Pooh who has an affable but addictive personality, had been self-medicating for years by breaking into bee hives and consuming large amounts of honey to the detriment of his teeth and waistline. His friends said that Pooh often admitted that he couldn't control his urges for the sweet stuff. “Honey is an elixir with a myriad of health benefits. It definitely helps sweeten the difficult times, " he said.

Owl gave Pooh Bear some sugar substitute and some Topomax to help manage his addictive behaviors at the Bee Hive. Pooh became exceedingly moody, and complained of headaches, nausea and numbness in his fingertips. He took large quantities of Tylenol with Codeine and Advil for pain relief. Owl also prescribed Abilify to regulate Pooh's mood.  Pooh overdosed and is in a diabetic coma combined with liver failure. 

Rabbit a reliable, yet high-strung sustainable farmer had been suffering from chronic back pain for years and was given a prescription for the pain reliever, Percocet.  Owl also provided him with a bottle of Cymbalta to help control his obsessive compulsive tendencies. Rabbit's back stopped spasming, but his thinking got fuzzy and he became lethargic and vertiginous.  Unable to garden, he began to drink large quantities of the caffeinated beverage Red Bull which subsequently gave him the shakes. Owl prescribed him some Valium so that his tremors quieted down. Rabbit stopped gardening, and all the animals had to go to the grocery store.

 

Sweet Piglet, who has struggled for decades with a debilitating anxiety about heffalumps & woozles, refused to leave his house without the assistance and companionship of his friends, especially Pooh. “I was so dependent on others to get me through the day and my little piggy heart was beating so fast all the time. I desperately wanted relief!” said Piglet. Owl provided Piglet with some Ativan, a narcotic to sedate him and a serotonin reuptake medication called Celexa to calm his frazzled nerves. He also threw in some growth hormone since Piglet seemed unusually small for an animal of his kind.

Piglet's unusual itty-bitty body metabolized these medications quickly and he suddenly became irritable, agitated, and impatient with others. In an uncharacteristic break from his peaceful nature, he attacked a chipmunk gathering acorns when his bright red balloon popped. He was promptly arrested and is currently incarcerated. 

Tigger, a bouncy, active individual with stripes cannot focus or stand still for even the teensiest of moments. “I really like hugging, pouncing, adventure and laughing,” chortled Tigger. Owl gave Tigger the newest federally controlled substance, Vyvanse. Tigger was much calmer but rebounded in the evening which caused him to literally bounce off the walls. He hit his head and got a concussion.

As for the lovely blue donkey, Eeyore…his tail tale is the saddest of all. Eeyore is always under a black cloud. He tends towards existential thinking, and has a pessimistic outlook. Owl recommended some amphetamines and a supply of Oxycontin to relieve arthritis since Eeyore often complained that he was very slow moving.  Side effects included agitation, cardiac arrest, stroke, headache, stomach upset, cramping, memory and hair loss. Owl supplemented Eeyore's medications with some Prozac to deal with the resistant depression. Unfortunately Eeyore's tail became unhinged and disappeared. He lost his job as an entertainer at birthday parties for children who love to pin the tail on the donkey. 

The beloved Hundred Acre Wood is now a Hundred Acre Hood, except that the medicines are legally given to us, by the corporations who sponsor poverty, global climate change, and our deteriorating health.

Honey really is an elixir and Pooh was on the right track after all. 

Now....what to do about those disappearing bees? 

DISCLAIMER: THE SNEE is completely fictional. Medicines and side-effects are construed in this story to make a point. Pooh Bear is not in a coma and Owl still loves to orate. 

PROCLAIMER: Abuse of legally prescribed medicines is rampant today as the high profile deaths of Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse indicate. A ton of money is spent to prevent the legalization of marijuana, while legalized drug trafficking of extremely potent and addictive medicines is ignored as long as big business benefits financially. To prescribe medicine to fix the side-effects of other medicines is criminal.

THE SNEE isn't anti-medication. Medicine is an essential tool in a physician's medical bag. Many lives are saved and qualities of lives improve with appropriately prescribed medication and treatments. Too bad that health insurance companies, overzealous legal action suits, and drug companies pressure doctors to overly rely on medications to manage conditions that are better treated with counseling, positive community support, good nutrition, and exercise.

P.S. The economy might be tanking but the drugstore industry appears to be flourishing. How many drugstores have popped up on empty lots in your town this year?

Sometimes shit happens when walking down the garden path.

 

THANK YOU AA MILNE, ERNEST SHEPARD, DISNEY FOR BEAUTIFUL ILLUSTRATIONS!

"Isn't it funny

how a bear likes honey?

Buzz, Buzz,  Buzz!

I wonder why he does?"  

AA Milne.. The Complete Tales of Pooh

 

BREAKING COUPON NEWS! Dangerous Discounts Cut Both Ways!

It's COUPON WEEK at the very funny THINK SPIN and THE SNEE has a story to tell over there!

It's always fun to find creative, clever and funny writers. Lauren Salkin, a freelance writer and the creator of Think Spin, is someone who can seriously weave, I mean spin a story! Add her to your blog roll, and get caught up in the whirlwind of her very insightful and unique take on our world.

Come find out all about COUPON WEEK at THINK SPIN! 

STORY TEASER   

Coupon Clippers Beware! 2011 was a banner year for bargain hunting women who found they were cashing out at the Emergency room, rather than the grocery store. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) reports an increase in ....cont.

SNEE YA!

TRAFFIC JAMS! Yours For Limited Time Only on Black Friday!

DONT MISS OUT ON CYBER MONDAY'S INTERNET SPECIAL ON TRAFFIC JAMS! Slower Processing Time and Freezing guaranteed to make your Traffic Jam last longer while you shop!

 *Traffic Jams can be found exclusively at roadside stands, mall parking lots, and along the information superhighway for online shoppers. 

AVAILABLE FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY! This offer expires on December 25, 2011 at 11:59 PM.

 ALL SALES ARE FINAL.

 

DISCLAIMER:  THE SNEE is a satire news and humor site. Traffic Jams Cannot be purchased until you have reached a boiling point.

PROCLAIMER: Black Friday is here! A fairly recent marketing ploy in the U.S.A, Black Friday begins at Midnight, the day after Thanksgiving. It kicks off the holiday shopping season, and is characterized by frenzied consumers on bargain hunts. Shoppers, who often forget, that they are buying the latest gadgets,  rather than engaging in a battle for the last piece of pie on the planet.  Which actually kinda happened at our house. The pie, I mean.