PART I of this Two Part Series on Animal Power!
Late Sunday night, sometime between dinner and breakfast the following day, well-known animal rights activist, Lydia Verdi put on her herringbone-patterned detective cap in order to investigate unsettling rumors that facebook subscribers commonly post photos of pets and other fuzzy cutie pies onto their facebook walls without the legal consent of the animals.
OMG! Two cutie pies! Animal Rights, internet activists Lydia and Champ.
Ms. Verdi, a long-time resident of Burlingham Vermont, popped onto the public canvas last December when she discovered Champ, the once rarely seen mythological sea monster of Lake Champlain, cavorting with a lovely Canadian goose named Gertie in the golf course waterhole adjacent to her over-sized home. He had recently downsized his habitat due to lake toxicity levels, over development along the lake shore and a desire to reduce the size of his footprint. Champ's ungainly size relative to the waterhole inadvertently causes extensive flooding throughout Burlingham's suburban neighborhoods on a regular basis.
Brrr...Icy Floods. Good thing Gertie Goose has her own down coat!
But it is the controversial nature of the relationship between the sea monster and the goose that draws large number of spectators and photo-op seekers to the golf course. " Photo-opportunistic predators take cheap shots at the couple even in the sanctity of their privately protected wilderness area," exclaimed Lydia Verdi, who owns two rescue dogs and a persnickety kitty! In response to the constant harassment, Lydia initiated a neighborhood watch program to prevent the stalking and preying behaviors of paparazzi and photo extremists. " It was intolerable. I'd be hand washing a greasy pan, and there'd be Gertie honking, and flapping her wings with outrage!
Say Cheese for the Camera! Champ isn't the only one being shot.
And poor Champ! Their place is so small. He has no place to hide! Instead, he creeps into the shadows and uses his well-honed camouflage techniques to escape the high resolution lenses! It happened so often that his poor shadow got tired and torn. Thank goodness, I saw the report on savvy seamstress Windy Deerling's mending service. I heard she did a great job with that ground hog and she really saved the day here. Champ's shadow is as good as new," Lydia praised.
But Champ isn't just a role model to habitat downsizers. He recently joined Windy Deerling's non-profit group STAR (Shadows Tears and Repairs), as his and Gertie's silhouettes made a surprise appearance atop facebook's corporate headquarters last week to protest facebook's default usage of white male silhouettes for new subscribers who do not opt to upload their own avatar photo.
Champ and Gertie really are inseparable! And why are they so small?
Champ's and Gertie's mysterious and inexplicable sighting in California has fueled burning rumors about Windy Deerling's ties to organized crime. A skittish conspiracy theorist, who spoke on the condition that his identity be protected explained, "We're certain that Windy Deerling's organization STAR is involved in the fairy dust black market. Her connection to Peter Pan is well established, and I hardly think that Champ's shadow repair, and his mysterious appearance at the rally are a coincidence. Nobody wants to believe that a nonprofit group that lobbies for the underrepresented is corrupt, but sometimes these well-intentioned entities gotta find a way to make ends meet and well....some turn to...." Just before he could finish his sentence, the sun disappeared into the clouds and the shadowy informant vanished.
Meet The Snee's new Snitch.THE SHADOWMAN!
Champ and Lydia vehemently deny the truth of these rumors. Champ says that he secretly enrolled in flying school to surprise his dear companion Gertie Goose. "Gertie is a fantastic navigator," Champ bragged. "She got us through some pretty treacherous snowacanes along the coast in order to participate in the silhouette protest". When the sun finally peeked out from behind the clouds, the Shadowman retorted, "Champ's too big to fit in an aeroplane and he's got no wings...and don't even think to tell me that the goose carried him. She's fiery, but she's not magic. Fairy dust anyone?" He chirped.
What is a snowacane?
Champ's response? "To believe I can't fly is to say I don't really exist, but yet here I am ready to help silhouettes and shadows who experience sudden detachments, and feelings of loss because they are overlooked, or in hiding as I was for thousands of years. Besides, if I hadn't been at the protest, I'd never have heard about those online animal photos on facebook's walls. I contacted Lydia, a long-time PETA member and she really flipped her lid when I told her about it!" said Champ. "Just wait until she goes to the press with what she has discovered. It's really about time someone brought this long overlooked problem to the public's attention".
DISCLAIMER: News stories covered in The Snee are the exclusive product of an overactive imagination and are completely preposterous, and of course fictional. Any resemblance to real people, animals, or events is purely coincidental and kind of amazing.
PROCLAIMER: Please grab a beverage and return tomorrow for the second part in our animal power series.