Adam Raponnier of Central Vermont awoke in the middle of the night after receiving a firm kick in the side from his wife Evening (informally addressed as Eve) who was 7 months pregnant and unable to sleep due to the insatiable appetite of the growing baby. Adam who was exhausted rolled over onto his side with the hope that his wife would go back to sleep if he stopped snoring, but his strategy did not work and his wife prevailed. “Honey, wake up! I’m really craving an organic Macintosh Apple!"
Adam asks Eve,"why must you stand in the fruit bowl?"
"Did you check the fruit bowl,” asked Adam?
"Yes, but there's only one shriveled Clementine, a banana and a wrinkled tomato. They just won’t do! Please, oh please honey, won’t you go to the store and buy me a Mac? If I don’t eat the tart yet sweet flesh of a locally-grown Macintosh, well... I just might go mad," Eve cried!
Adam who was truly bewildered by his pregnant wife asked her where he could possibly find an organic Macintosh at that hour. "All the local organic markets are closed," he said. "Are you completely bonkers? Puleeze, Go back to bed!"
Eve pouted while propping her elbows on her rounded tummy. "If you cared about me and the baby, you would climb mountains and scale high castle walls to get me a Macintosh," she cajoled.
"Where do you want me to get your apple then?"
Evening thought and thought. "You know, Walmart is open and it carries organic stuff now. You could go there."
"But you hate Walmart," exclaimed Adam! "You are always telling me that I can't shop there! That it’s too big! Too loud! That it's racist! That it's putting ma and pop stores out of business! That it only sells cheap Chinese-made junk full of lead! That it's exploitative! That it’s a giant box store on steroids that caters to the very basest desires of Americans! You told me it has a bad plastic smell and that the florescent lighting is designed to induce pounding headaches! I mean really Eve, you want me to go there? Do you think it's really worth it?"
"I know what I've said, but Snakey McGee on Channel Five News said that Walmart is changing and that people should give it a chance. Please go out and buy the Mac there. I'm feeling nauseous, and the baby growing in me needs an organic apple now...I can just tell. I promise you'll never have to go there again, just this once...for the baby. Besides it's half the price of the other stores that sell the same all-natural stuff."
Neignborhood market? What a makeover!
The wavering florescent lighting combined with the aroma of stale popcorn and steamed hot dogs bombarded him as he entered. Adam quickly put on his sunglasses and pulled his base ball cap down over his eyes. A scary looking hag with a large-mouthed smile pasted across her face greeted him. "Welcome to Walmart "How may I direct you?" she giddly queried.
Adam mumbled, "uh, organic fruit?"
"Oh! You're interested in our new Garden of Eden Market!" enthusiastically said the Walmart Greeter. "You know, all of our organic fruit is half price and comes from local farms. You can pick whatever you want, but you must agree to let us hire your first born to work for us."
Terrified, Adam replied, "I can't! My wife will kill me." Then thinking quietly to himself, "My wife will go mad, if I don't get her that apple". "Yes! OK," he said! "My first born can work for you. I promise! Just tell me...where can I get an organic apple?"
"That's terrific!" said the smiling Greeter. "Our Garden of Eden produce section is just over there. Apples are all sorted beneath the Tree of Knowledge. I hope you find what you're looking for."
Adam headed in the direction of her pointed craggy finger until he saw the artificially constructed Tree of Knowledge cleverly fabricated from a lead-based plastic composite. Adam rubbed his eyes in disbelief! Walmart's Garden of Eden looked like paradise! He feasted his eyes on the rainbow of fruity and vegetable delights that were displayed in such an appetizing way that he began to salivate inspite of himself. He scampered over to the apples and grabbed the largest, roundest, ripest Macintosh he could find.
Caution: Apple Picking is a known cause of postural related injuries.
Then because he was eager to cash out before he lost his courage, he ran to cash register #10 and placed the Macintosh on the conveyor belt. "Your total is twenty cents. How would you like to pay for it," asked the cashier? Not having any cash on him, Adam quickly ran his debit card through the scanner. "Did you read the fine print and do we have an understanding? Just sign here saying that you agree with our conditions and you may take your locally grown, organic food with you. Adam signed the cashier's slip, grabbed his receipt and bee-lined for the door holding his organic, locally-grown Macintosh apple.
Adam meets with cashier to seal the deal.
Unfortunately, the heavy weight of the apple made him slouch and as Adam stepped unevenly out into the night, he inadvertently slipped on a discarded foil wrapper slickly coated with yellow mustard which caused him to collapse to the ground in a curled up fetal position. He clutched the apple to his chest and wondered, “What have I done? My wife is going to kill me." Then he passed out until rescuers found him the following morning.
Evening, who had already torn into the decaying fruit and was experiencing extreme indigestion, began to worry when her husband did not return, nor respond to her phone calls. “I called the police and that’s how I found out that he had fallen at Walmart. I'm really lucky to have a husband that protected my apple when he fell."
Adam now goes to physical therapy two times weekly to work out a kink in his neck that developed following apple picking at Walmart. "I'm surprised," said Adam, "that my wife isn't more upset about the bargain I made. Maybe, Walmart isn't all bad. They're supporting our farmers and at least I know our first born will be guaranteed a job. Heck, she might even get to work in Paradise!" With that in mind, Adam and Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit that cost next to nothing, but yet left a sour taste in their mouths.
Adam and Eve Endure Eternal Struggles with Temptation.
BREAKING NEWS!
Walmart's Work for Food Program Revolutionizes Child Labor Laws!
Forbidden fruit fugitives Discovered in Temptress's Den! Macintosh and Granny Smith grafted to Tree of Knowledge in Organic Garden of Eden produce section!
Apple Lovers Confused about Walmart, "Does....Not....Compute!"
DISCLAIMER: The Snee is 100 percent fictional. Though inspired by real life events and weirdly similar.....stories and people contained within are purely the figment of an active imagination....REALLY!
PROCLAIMER:Walmart, Walmart Walmart! Look at Walmart's website for more info on their metamorphosis. If only it weren't for the lighting, the sounds, the smells and the sheer idea of a big box store....hmm..just a thought, but maybe they could move their organic section to a small retro bookbox-sized store. They could name it Wally's Greenshop
Utube's People of Walmart musical video: