A wild, mutant carrot wanted for manslaughter in a freak accident, was recently found lurking on the curb cut outside a suburban home in Burlingham, Vermont. The offending carrot, featured on SPIKE TV'S,"1000 Ways to Die", escaped from the hospital after being removed from a dead woman's body. The carrot purportedly caused an air embolism to form inside the woman after she had succumbed to temptation. Though described as a tragedy, many of her friends say that she at least died happy.
Oops! Missed opportunity for famous rabbit's autograph!
The carrot, a mysterious progeny of another carrot was placed on the hospital gurney. As the physicians and the police detective tried to get to the root of the matter, an individual described as tall, thin and graying with distinctive long-ears and buck teeth, peeked into the hospital room to ask a question. "What's up Doc?" he inquired. After no response was given, the individual, referred to as "Bugs" in the court records, absconded with the carrot that was described as "extremely appealing". They both disappeared without a trace. "Given the size and stature of that carrot, it seems pretty impossible," said the emergency room nurse. Police officials are concerned that the carrot is in danger, and that the evidence might get shredded.
Now 10 months later, the lascivious carrot is back in the news, but this time due to the meticulous and impeccable handiwork of renowned carrot aficionado, Bugs, the carrot has been trimmed to resemble the typical root vegetable. "I definitely feel refreshed. I had my fronds redone at an organic farm after Bugs nibbled off the extra parts," said The Carrot.
Unfortunately, a new look did not change The Carrot's inclinations, and so he went to explore one of the local neighborhoods in the area. It was there that he happened upon a lovely garden filled with potatoes, corn, beans and squash. Aware, that the owner of the garden had not selected carrots as one of the crops, he decided to wait around outside in order to show her what she was missing.
It was about then that three Burlingham Moms, Lydia Verdi, Maggie Storrs, and their best friend Dasht-e Haveej, rounded the bend of the cul de sac. Maggie noticed an unusually large, fully-developed orange carrot seductively lying on the curb cut next to a piece of limp organic lettuce. The carrot, aware of the three women's presence, managed to slide itself into the morning sun which highlighted its size, ridges and tastiness. "I am a beautiful specimen, large, firm and sweet. No woman can resist picking me," he bragged.
Lydia warns Maggie that the lettuce might stain her white pumps.
"It's true," Maggie said, " I was really scared. Dasht-e saw this carrot on SPIKE TV so I knew it was dangerous. It was just so huge, and seemed very comfortable lying in plain site on the curb cut. Anyone could tell that he was ready to penetrate a new crime. Dasht-e herself felt an urge to grab the carrot and drive away with it in her Hybrid Prius, but controlled herself by thinking about her family. "I'm often attracted to vegetable types. They are useful if you are feeling an appetite for something special. And this sexy vegetable stirred up a craving for carrot juice" She said.
Their friend Lydia was described as "fearless" when she walked to the carrot, picked it up and lied down with it on the curb. "My neighbors were surprised that I'd be so brave, but I knew that I was immune to his taste, texture and smell. "I'm only attracted to natural and organic vegetables when I shop. The Carrot thought he was irresistible, but I knew that there was no way that this carrot was naturally endowed!"
Voyeurism is alive in the suburbs! Maggie and Dasht-e can't stop staring at Lydia cuddling with The Carrot on a bed of lettuce
The women, eager to put put another 4 miles on their matching Garmin watches, walked to the police station where the carrot was formally booked on loitering and manslaughter. The judge in the case ruled that the carrot should serve out its prison sentence in the root cellar, and be assigned to the work crew at the soup kitchen. The three women were rewarded with three quarts of organic, freshly made, local chicken soup, and a farm share.
SPIKE TV'S RATINGS SOAR AFTER CARROT FIASCO! Cable Station Denies Responsibility!
Popular cable network, SPIKE TV, known for its titillating Reality TV program, "1000 Ways To Die", denied responsibility for yesterday's vegetable fiasco that took place in a family neighborhood in suburban Burlingham, Vermont. "The Carrot acted independently!" Claimed one television honcho. "We take no responsibility for our programming! Just because you dangle a carrot, doesn't mean you have to bite it!" He said, while dipping one in some ranch dressing.
Carrot Dangling is an ancient technique used to encourage temptation(a sin in most religions). It was originally used by farmers in the olden days to get their stubborn pet donkeys moving. The farmer would take a carrot, hang it from a stick and dangle it in front of the donkey. The donkey, who found the carrot incredibly compelling, would then move it's derriere to the location desired by the farmer. Hence the expression the carrot and the stick.
On the other hand, sometimes a person can't have a carrot and a stick, but must choose between the carrot or the stick. This expression is useful for giving others an ultimatum. "Like, I will give you this delicious, satisfying carrot or I will beat you with this stick. Either way, you are going to do what I tell you". Spike TV claims that its programming is based on the carrot and the stick, as opposed to its more punitive counterpart, the carrot or the stick. "We are simply entrepreneurs and educators with a mission to provide TV entertainment that portrays gruesome death experiences in a meaningful way. Because of our programming, people can take the necessary precautions to prevent freak accidents. "We like to inform our viewers that they always have a choice. Watch Spike or let Spike Watch you".
BREAKING NEWS!
Secret Monsanto Records Reveal that THE CARROT is Genetically Modified!
THE CARROT Sues Monsanto for Messing with it's Genes! "GMO's are Causing Public Undue Harm," Proclaims Carrot!
Anti-Carrot Defamation League Protests TV Portrayal of Root Vegetables!
Carrot Sales Up!
Military Discovers Ancient Carrot in Afganistan that Explains Everything!
Queen Anne's Lace Alters the Fabric of Reality TV! "I am related to THE CARROT"!
Lydia Verdi Hired as Lobbyist to Promote Carrot Industry!
Carrot Industry's newest lobbiest, Lydia Verdi, Poses with The Carrot.
DISCLAIMER: The Snee is 100 percent fictional! Though the roots of the story are based in reality, the telling of it is pure fantasy. The carrot industry, reality tv, and Bugs Bunny do not endorse this satire news story. Spike TV's "1000 Ways to Die" is recommended for mature audiences only!
PROCLAIMER: Please eat carrots. They are yummy, come in brilliant colors and have a history that must be read! Check out the Carrot Museum. You won't want to stop reading!