Successful entrepreneurs, Minnie Du Lopolis and Salina LaCaloca co-founders of the popular unbottled, all-natural drink company: SAGE WATERS, are in the news again this week after announcing that they would be implementing an innovative time management program to improve the health and quality of life for their employees. Their intentions to launch this new ground breaking time management program received federal approval last Friday in a closed door congressional session with President Obama’s stamp of approval. “I’m really excited about this!" said the enthusiastic president. "Minnie and Salina are always pushing the envelope. Their easy to implement plan guarantees to keep Americans at work with their eyes wide
open."
SAGE WATERS with the catchy jingle 'Drink up the Wisdom' rose like a business-friendly skyscraper last year to surpass the sales of other major water brands. Their eco-friendly retro philosophy which provided bottle-free water at an affordable price brought slews of customers in who wanted to reduce their carbon footprint. Instead of selling water in wasteful plastic containers, Minnie and Salina recycled domesticated animal feed troughs and filled them with fresh mountain stream run-off, infused with the fragrance of wild sage known not only for its myriad of health benefits, but also for its tenacious and prodigious growth patterns in the western United States.
Profit margins went through the roof since they only needed to fill the trough, and park it in easily accessible locations like gas stations, street corners and grocery store parking lots. To this day a self-serve courtesy ladle is also provided. Customers are responsible for providing the containers.
Sage Water’s recycled feed trough and ladle display.
Though their overhead is low, profit-making and sharing is a challenge for this modern, environmentally conscious company, especially during the month of March when fresh mountain water run-off is at a peak. Salina explains, “March brings warmer temperatures that increase snow melt, as well as large amounts of precipitation. March also brings a seasonal drop in employee morale with escalated absenteeism, lethargy, and mood swings resulting in fewer water deliveries to the troughs. Our bottom line can really plunge when it should be soaring”! elaborates Minnie. “ Water is very heavy and since most of our employees are work horses, a small amount of energy loss can be really felt company wide!”
Pre-spring Blues haven't hit these work horses yet!
In order to ascertain the exact nature of this energy sapping phenomenon that occurs annually in March, Minnie and Salina attended a lecture by Perde Clocheman, an expert in the rarely publicized condition, Seasonal Ineffective Disorder. Dr. Clocheman, a psycho physicist, explained that reduced work performance, lethargy, confusion and mood swings in Mid-March can be directly correlated with the annual return to Daylight Savings Time when people are asked to spring their clocks forward one hour. He explains below:
“It’s basic math. You turn your clock forward one hour on Daylight Savings Time Day and suddenly you’re working with a 1 hour time deficit. This time deficit multiplies over 24 days and you’ve suddenly lost 24 hours of time. That is a whole day! Is it any wonder that people feel so crummy? People must find a way to spend time more thriftily. Time is money and you just don’t want to blow it all in one day!”
Inspired, Minnie and Salina collaborated with Dr. Clocheman to create an easy to use device that when combined with simple to implement protocols promised to revolutionize the way people dealt with time loss. “Basically, we realized that our employees needed intervention and came up with the TIME SNATCHER concept” said Minnie.
First, Dr. Clocheman took data from the Gregorian calendar and combined it with number sequences from the 24 hour clock based on the earth’s daily rotation. He then asked his daughter to double check his numbers with her abacus. He concluded that time snatching should begin 60 days prior to Daylight Savings Time scheduled this year at 2AM on March 13, 2011. Clocheman elucidated, “If we move time forward 1 minute a day for 60 days beginning on January 13, 2011, we will arrive on March 13, 2011 with minimal impact. For those who are more comfortable with a thirty day plan, we recommend losing two minutes a day as of February 13, 2011."
While Dr. Clocheman worked on the protocols, Minnie and Salina put their energy into their invention. Inspired by waste-free technology and a fetish for antique railroad pocket watches, they collected discarded watch crowns. Salina excitedly told reporters, "The Time Snatchers are made from recycled crowns used to wind up and set the time on analog watches. These retooled crowns can now be paired with your favorite timing device and used to maneuver the minute hand.
Employees of Sage Waters have been turning their clocks forward one minute a day since January 13th. Minnie and Salina are thrilled. "Our staff is here early each day and business is better than ever! At the pace we are going, we will spring forward on March 13th with minimal painful side-effects like brain cramps and muscle strains. We called Granny Smith at Apple Computers to let her know what we are working on. She said that she'd feed it to Google. Who knows, maybe we're onto something!"
BREAKING NEWS!
Sage Water's Sales Soar! Neighborhoods Throng to Troughs for Spring Run-off!
Spring Fever Accompanies Seasonal Ineffective Disorder!
Testimonials from participants in Time Loss Program: “Lost 1 Minute A Day, And Gained It All Back In Only 1 Day In The Fall!”
Banks Deny Time Savings Loans! “We can’t afford to give loans to people who claim they need extra time for unfinished projects during this economic downturn!”
Remember when John Boehner declared, "not on my watch"! Well now the Republican House speaker says it's time to move forward and change the clocks since he doesn't like how time on the hill is being spent.
Minnie and Salina get ahead of the times!
Disclaimer: None of this is true, but the truth is out there.
Proclaimer: Too much? Too long? This was a super -sized snee! I hope you get a good snooze now after losing all that time!